The past few weeks have been pretty fucking awesome. I have the security of knowing that I have a group of friends that aren't going anywhere. If something happened I know you'd be standing at my door ready to help me through it. And that's all that really matters.
I guess that happened for a reason. I'm wondering about a lot of things lately.
I wonder if maybe there's something out there that I'm supposed to be doing. I know it's way bigger than you and me. I used to think of all the fun I was going to have with my friends over the summer and during high school and how it would be just a fun ride and everything, but that idea became boring quite quickly.
I know that next summer, I won't be here much. I'm planning on going to some summer classes at college on the East Coast. Most likely Harvard, Yale or Brown, and possibly traveling through Europe on a foreign exchange program. I'm one of those people that loves traveling to meet new people and learn the history of a town. Relaxing vacations are nice, but truthfully, they're just not me. I love visiting landmarks and learning everything I can for as long as I'm there.
I love my friends, but I honestly can't do this anymore. I can't care for everyone and think of everyone before me. I've done that all my life. It's been nice, yea, but the majority of the time people just took advantage of it. They think that I'll always be there, even if I haven't spoken to you in months. They think I'm the girl that's always available, not going anywhere. And then I worry about my family, about them missing me or worrying about me or wondering if I'm okay and being there for them.
Well, I'm tired of that. I'm not going to plan my life around my friends anymore. I think there's a healthy balance between doing things for myself and my friends, and I tipped the scale far too much towards the latter.
For the first time in my life, I'm doing and planning something for me, and it feels a hell of a lot better than anything I've ever done before. I know that next summer will probably be the best summer of my life, and even if I'm missing out on stuff at home, I'll be halfway across the country learning and growing as a human being, making lifelong friendships with people from all over the world, and learning things I could never have experienced at home.
Awesome.
"There's a luggage limit for every passenger on a flight. The same rules apply to your life. You must eliminate some baggage before you can fly."
Last week, I would have said that I know where we stood. I would have said that he had already made the choice to be with me, but was scared of the judgement of his peers, his ambivalence, and whether I felt the same. I then made it clear to him that I felt more for him than anyone else, and now my decision is completely changed.
I think he loves me. I also think there is a part of him that hates me. I also think that we will not stay in touch, and I also think that his love for me is dwindling. I really don't believe I had a part in this at all. Maybe we're becoming more comfortable with each other, like other couples do, but it's just so sad. I did not ever want this to happen.
Whenever I meet new guys, something just clicks inside of them. It always comes to the point between girlfriend and friend. I am always the friend. What do I do? I don't know.
I'm trying really hard right now. I feel like he's not meeting me halfway, not even a quarter of the way.
I love him, though, and I will never stop. And I know that when he's gone, I will not cross his mind. But he will cross mine and he continues to everyday. And I continue to wonder everyday if this is my fault and if I could have done something. If I could do something to make myself have butterflies again, to make him stop choosing the other direction. I pray that God will find a way to bring us together. He works in mysterious ways. And I know that we are meant to be, and he will bring us together in the end, but I'm losing faith and I need something, a sign. Anything really.
I would drive miles for that boy, but would he drive miles for me?
Do I even want to know the answer to that question?
Sometimes, I wonder how, when things seem to be coming full circle, there is the one thing that wasn't supposed to happen that is powerful enough to break the whole circle.
People change their minds, love dissipates, memories fade, people leave, people decide otherwise, towns change, people change, relationships grow apart, feelings leave, things weren't what you thought they were, it doesn't work out, plans evolve, people dream new dreams, people meet someone else, wrong decisions take place.
I wonder if someone was watching our lives like they were movies, they would know how to fix everything.
But someone wise once told me that life is not like a movie. I would rather keep it that way.
I have a way of blaming myself for these things. I guess I am partly at fault, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't everyone elses fault also. After all, I did not get here on my own.
I wonder what those people who have everything going for them believe. Or do. Maybe they don't do anything. Maybe they're just fucking lucky. I don't know. But I hold these people on a pedestal sometimes. I wonder if gut instinct has anything to do with it.
I wish everyone would say exactly what they were thinking and do exactly what they wanted to for a whole day. I think we would be surprised on the new loves, old feelings, old friends and bad memories this would bring.
There's something strange about that time in between the bad and the good. I can't put my finger on it, but there's always that one thing that pushes you too far, that goes beyond what you're strong enough to handle. That's the moment where you stand there and say, "I've had enough." The moment where something lifts inside of you and you know that no where you go from here could be any worse, because you have nothing left to lose anymore.
There's those that will sit there and wallow and wonder and hope and dream and believe that things will get better. I think that's what kids are. Adults have this acceptance. I think I felt it today.
It's this feeling where, you stand up. You stand up from being on your knees begging for everything you ever wanted and couldn't get back. You realize that your life is yours and so you can't control other people's lives to fit it. You know that, moving forward, those who are meant to go with you will, and those who aren't will dwindle away. And those people can decide for themselves. Because you decide that you are done chasing after things that will never be.
And then, when you finally accept that you ARE worth it, and you shouldn't settle for anything below what you deserve, the people who you always wanted will come into your life and fulfill it.
Over the last couple weeks, I have to admit... I feel really good about where I am.
Granted, there are the moments when I wish I could leave this town, but, for the most part, I'm in a really good place.
Looking back at myself one year ago, I feel disappointed. I'm not mad because I think I did something wrong with the situations given, I'm just angry because I thought then that life was as good as it was going to get. I set such low standards for myself, when really I deserved more.
I deserved to have a good friend, I deserved to feel good about myself and I deserved to surround myself with people who enjoyed my time and saw the best in me. I never realized those things were missing until I got them.
I can't explain to you how good it feels to have real friends. To have people who text me because they want to talk to me. To have people call because they want to hear my voice and because they really do miss me. To have people tell me that I'm beautiful just the way I am. And to be invited to go places because people actually enjoy my time. To be able to say something stupid or act like myself and not worry that when I turn around or look away people will laugh or talk about me. It's exhilirating.
My one wish is that it stays this way. I hope that the people I've met and the people who tell me these things really mean it. And I hope they don't do these things out of pity and I hope that when they find new friends, they won't replace me. And I hope they love me as much as I love them.
